I'm out of love. I wanna love. Will I love? What is love? How do you know love when you find it? Will I find it? I don't think that I will ever let the right guy in and that scares me. I see nice boys and nice boys see me and I think I could give them a change but I probably will never do that.

To A Boy Who Sucks

To Cody Badgley, the boy who plays with everyones emotions. I want you to know That I like you so And ill be around For when you fall down From that cloud You sit upon Where you lay awake And dream of bigger things Bigger than me and you Bigger than you and i Bigger than the whole sky I just wanna be That girl for you The one who pulls down stars And holds planets close to her heart To find you there in the cloud Where you lay awake And dream of bigger things Bigger than me and you Bigger than you and I Bigger than the whole sky I want you know I think you’re a joke Not in a way that is cute and nice But in a way that could potentially hurt you You really suck and I hate to say it But playing with a girls heart is not a fun game You make keep us around so you can feel “okay” That is wrong and you deserve to sit on a cloud And dream of things that you will NEVER accomplish Because you suck. Sincerely, Samantha Cathcart - the girl you were once smitten for.

I have been having a ridiculous "life" lately. I work at a shitty Chipotle, I have an amazing boyfriend and some of the best friends I have ever had. BAM like a freight train though, my best friend asks me to move to LA with him.. I have no idea what to do. It isn't until forever but STILL FUCKING LA!? It'd be so amazing and I could so find something that I really want to do with my life.. which is I have no idea but I feel like a big city with fake bitches and real bitches would help. I love this city and I love everything about MI but I need to live. It's just come to my attention that live in a very small bubble and I haven't been living like I should. I'll get this figured out I know I will.

I haven't posted on here in forever and I feel like now is a theraputic time to do so. I have been dating Patrick for about 7 months now. I love him to pieces. The truth is though, am I in love with him? I know he is the most important person in my life at the moment and that he will continue to be that person for a long time but why do I feel like I am not in love with him? It's a confusing thing love. It makes you feel so many different ways, how are you supposed to know it's true? I know it's true and pure love and it's the most amazing thing ever. BUT how is one supposed to know if they are in love? I don's know. Pat wants to move in with me and I totally want him to but I feel like it is too soon. I don't want to move away then realize this relationship is all wrong and then have plans for him to move in! It's just nuts. My consious is not CLEAR and I really want it to be.

Well it was an epic weekend of sorts. The first D.R.U.G.S. show was today and I will never forget it, so insane! But thats not what I want to talk about. Sometimes I feel like poeple alienate me from their lives for one reason or another. That they just stip being my friend for no apparent reason or they drop me off them pick me back a few weeks later. I cant say I have a problem wiht it because I do the same thing but it really takes a toll on a person. Especailly when they mean a lot to you and you dont see what you did wrong. I know its prbly just because he is busy but craig will not respond to me and we didnt even get to see each other today but regardlesss is till love him and he means a lot to me. Pat on the other hand just WONT talk to me but always wants to hangout then it seems we dont. I dont know I just have a hard time with some friendships and I hope when I move a lot of this gets fixed. I really want it to, I just want the feeling of numbness and alienation to be GONE forever please?

I am seriously letting myself down right now. Never have I fele t in such a deep hole. I feel like I am failing myself and putting on a show for my parents just liek I did in high school. I know it's not the end of the world and that this is nothing at all but emotionally it is taking a serious toll. I have stupid habbits that Ia am dieing to break. I can't keep disappointing myself like this, it isn't healthy. I need to get my act together. Missing those two quizes was me punching myself in the face, double hurt. My body and mind arn't matching up. my heart and soul and not seeing eye to eye and i need to get them on the same level. I foteel like I am still in high school, that I am just coasting and struggling to get tha C or B and if I get a D it's the teachers fault not mine. I can't take it anymore, the feeling of letting myself down. I honeslty thought those quizes were next sunday. I hope oakland is a new startand that it changes me. I really do. I need GOd back in my life, I need his help. I am tired of doing this on my own, I have lost touch with him. I want him back so badly it was better when I had a strong relationship with him. I had confidence. Now I feel like bones and skin lkeI don't have a soul or a mind that I am getting caught up in the trends. I wanna stand on my own. I wanna be me again. I am in a stuggle only I can feel. I need help. I want help. I am scarred to talk about this to anyone but this stupid blog. I can't think about htis anymore. When did I start staying up till 3 am and waking up at 10 or 11? this isnt me. I sleep because it shuts everything off. I hope when I wake up that everything that had bothered me the day before is gone. BLECK night.

Leoo

You know after today I really respect leo, he didn't do anything life saving or fabulous we just went to the mall. It was the way that his music is him, he packed up his backpack and just went! He promoted himself and he strives to get himself out there, you can tell he is so proud of himself even though he doesn't wanna say it out loud "I am really good" I have always respected Leo but after today it just hit a new level. It made it more real, so happy and privileged to have someone like him in my life <3