I have had these really weird feelings lately that make me moody and no one really wants to be around me. I googled the crap out of it last night, I am about 90% positive I am suffering from anxiety. I feel as though this is common for people my age and in my position. I read that anxiety is caused from feelings of uncertainty - that is EXACTLLY what it is for me. I am a cronic worry wart, always have been. I have notice the past couple of weeks this constant feeling of stress and worry but no ambition at all to do anything about it. I wish there was some way to fix this but I don't know how. I pray to God that I am not having a chemical imbalance depression like my mom, the last thing I want to do is be stuck on medication for the rest of my life - I think the anxiety I am feeling will go away once I get stuff for Oakland all figured out (ie classes, where im staying, ect) On a side note, I need a boyfriend. Like legit. You know I usually shy away from saying that cause I usually dont want a boyfriend, but I havent dated a guy in almost a year, I havent "talked" to a guy in maybe 3 months, it's just really odd for me. I usually do not have a problem with this, obviously Bay City is drying up. NOTE TO SELF NEVER TAKE ONLINE CLASSES EVER THE FUCK AGAIN. I really hate my online classes - I wish I didn't because I love my class schedule. You know, I would just love to be a bum in general, no obligations just living. You know, I wouldn't mind being someones personal maid or assistant, in fact I would probably love it. How you get into that kind of business I have no idea. Hmm I just am so lost as in to what I want to do with my life. I am passionate about few things, poms, music, friends, adventures and nature. How that I can lead to a career i have no idea. My eyes hurt, I really like talking. You know maybe journalism is something I want to do. It has always been in the back of my mind but I don't know. My eyes hurt and the wind is being scarry :x the whole house is cracking time to go take cover!

Disrespected.

I usually don't let things like this get to me but today they did. I had owed my 'friend' 40 dollars and hadn't paid her back. Some how I lost track of the money and never paid her back. This really wasn't that big of a deal, she canceled on me, had already bought the ticket, she is quite wealth, ect. So months later I get a text from the 'friend' and she asks for the money. Lately I have been short on cash flow so I jsut didnt text her back. Come to find out she logged into my facebook and read the IM conversation I was having about the situtation. She then logs onto her facebook to bitch me out about it. The topic of this ramble is Disrepect.

That is my private thing, you do not need to be logging on to it. I would never even think about doing something like that to you, or anyone. You must be fuckin demonic to even think about doing that, it's so messed up. Sorry I called you greedy, sorry you offered to buy me lunch all those times when I said I would pay. I'm sorry you don't see the world in the same light I do. I am completly positive 24/7 and today having a very sore spot is not making my day good at all. I go by this theory, that nothing is bad you can always make it good. For some reason this really gets to me. I feel that this individual needs a HUGE reality check. She lives day to day worrying about her image, what people think of her. She does insanity 3 times a day and thinks by not eating she will lose weight. Sorry hunny, we graduated High School that shit doesn't fly outside of it. No one cares what you look like or act like it's not your life to take in any diretion. Make a new group of friends. For a whole year you stole my best friend and the true reason why I hung out with you was so I could actually see my best friend. Sorry. I really couldn't stand you, the way you life. I have never meet someone so selfish and self consumming. One day you will meet someone so bull headed they are gunna rock your shit, and you are going to realize how selfish you are. I am going to keep on typing this out because I am so pissed. If you really knew me, you'd know I don't get mad EVER. Very few things have ever gotten me all fired up, jsut like this. I seriously have a problem with you and I would love to tell you everything that I find wrong in you but I RESPECT you. I will NEVER log onto your facebook to see the shit you have said about me because lord I know you have. I also have this huge hunch you are reconecting with an old rat of ours. FIRST OFF HE IS A DOUCHE, a trader, shaddy as hell. For some reason you think it is okay to go back and be his friend again. Newsflash, if you were her bestfrien you would realize that being his friend is a horrible idea. We know you have feelings for him that is more than friendly. He manipulates people have fun with that. One day when you have no friends.. oh wait. you already do becaus you have alienated yourself from the world. I am done for now. But for what you did todya I WILL NEVER FORGET. damnit.

Bullshit

Bullshit; the word the perfectly describes today. I am tired of being a backup plan or a side project if I am your FRIEND it's okay to hangout with me and stuff, I mean that's what friends are for. Well lately, my friends have SUCKED and I can not stand it. I am moving in December and I am so thrilled. I can think of maybe 4 people I will miss from here, and I am totally okay with that. I am ready for life to begin.

Random Stuff

One day while doing my homework I caame up with these, they are in the developing stages still but I thought I would type them out now.

Lately, I've been thinkin' maybe
Your'e the one who tells me how to respond
to everything I'm asked and everything I', not asked
You are the one who is controlling moi.
I just stand back to watch the show
progress in an orderly fashion.
I'll pop some popcorn and grab an Arnold
and watch you put on a show.

You think your'e fat, you think your'e fab
you think you're the hottest shit on the block
Sorry to tell you this but
New Kids already claimed that title

... so that is that :P It's kind of cocky and childish but I like it okay here is the other one

Bittersweet is the word I want to use
don't be thinkin' to obtuse
when it comes to us
I know the miles are far
and the conversation is short, baby
I wanna see you move closer to me
I wanna see you move closer to me

I'll prbly work on that one later, if I was musically inclined I would totally add some guitar to that . hmm whatever I am just gunna add on to it maybe tonight.


p.s. today is the day no one will ever forget 9/11/01. All day I have been watching stories about the accounts from this tragic day. Some days we forget about this day in history that changed our lives forever. My favorite quote that I heard today was from Conda Liza Rice and she said "After September 11th everyday was September 12th".

Requirements

I saw this on someone else's blog and I thought it would be amusing and keep me from not doing my school work. So here it is, if I were to create the man of my dreams here is how he would be:

-He makes cute faces. (i.e. like scrunches it up when he is embarrassed or does a total face palm when he says something stupid)

-Doesn't text me 24/7 because that just gets repetitive and annoying.

-Has a goal in mind, in regards to his future.

-Has his own personality and doesn't try to mimic mine.

-He can make decisions for the two of us because God knows I can't.

-Doesn't want to kiss me every minute of everyday, or whenever in we are in public he has to be constantly holding my hand or have his arm around me. Sorry kids, I am not a big lover of excessive PDA.

-No we do not need to hangout every day, every other day is fine though.

-A phone is not used for JUST texting, you can call me to it's okay!

-Doesn't buy me gifts. (Is it weird I hate getting presents from people)

-Is as completely untraditional as I am, or will at least go along with it.

-Ummm, he should probably be an optimist because I find pessimistic are really a downer.

-Has his own hobbies and just things in general to do on his own so I am not his main time consumer.

-He has his own friends and own life separate from mine.

-Has a wonderful family that is just super goofy.

-Is a goof, who enjoys making inside jokes with me and laughing at anything and everything.

I could make this list go on forever and it already has occupied a good amount of my time so maybe I will add on later. :)

"even though you're miles away, you never cease to make me smile"

Your smile could light up the world when everything has turned to darkness.

You make me want to forget everything bad in the world.

You make we want to never stop smiling or at least until my face hurts to much.

I want to hold you but the miles between us are making that hard.

The miles between us though will never stop us from being what we are.

Everyday is Valentines Day in our world, making every day the best day ever.

You make me happy whether you like it or not
It has been not even a week since i first laid eyes on you and yet i feel like i am falling completely in love. sometime i feel completely stupid about how strong my feelings are for you but they are true. the nicest person to walk this earth is you and i am truly blessed to have ever met you. hopefully this continues on, you are to important to lose and to hard to forger <3