Well it was an epic weekend of sorts. The first D.R.U.G.S. show was today and I will never forget it, so insane! But thats not what I want to talk about. Sometimes I feel like poeple alienate me from their lives for one reason or another. That they just stip being my friend for no apparent reason or they drop me off them pick me back a few weeks later. I cant say I have a problem wiht it because I do the same thing but it really takes a toll on a person. Especailly when they mean a lot to you and you dont see what you did wrong. I know its prbly just because he is busy but craig will not respond to me and we didnt even get to see each other today but regardlesss is till love him and he means a lot to me. Pat on the other hand just WONT talk to me but always wants to hangout then it seems we dont. I dont know I just have a hard time with some friendships and I hope when I move a lot of this gets fixed. I really want it to, I just want the feeling of numbness and alienation to be GONE forever please?

I am seriously letting myself down right now. Never have I fele t in such a deep hole. I feel like I am failing myself and putting on a show for my parents just liek I did in high school. I know it's not the end of the world and that this is nothing at all but emotionally it is taking a serious toll. I have stupid habbits that Ia am dieing to break. I can't keep disappointing myself like this, it isn't healthy. I need to get my act together. Missing those two quizes was me punching myself in the face, double hurt. My body and mind arn't matching up. my heart and soul and not seeing eye to eye and i need to get them on the same level. I foteel like I am still in high school, that I am just coasting and struggling to get tha C or B and if I get a D it's the teachers fault not mine. I can't take it anymore, the feeling of letting myself down. I honeslty thought those quizes were next sunday. I hope oakland is a new startand that it changes me. I really do. I need GOd back in my life, I need his help. I am tired of doing this on my own, I have lost touch with him. I want him back so badly it was better when I had a strong relationship with him. I had confidence. Now I feel like bones and skin lkeI don't have a soul or a mind that I am getting caught up in the trends. I wanna stand on my own. I wanna be me again. I am in a stuggle only I can feel. I need help. I want help. I am scarred to talk about this to anyone but this stupid blog. I can't think about htis anymore. When did I start staying up till 3 am and waking up at 10 or 11? this isnt me. I sleep because it shuts everything off. I hope when I wake up that everything that had bothered me the day before is gone. BLECK night.

Leoo

You know after today I really respect leo, he didn't do anything life saving or fabulous we just went to the mall. It was the way that his music is him, he packed up his backpack and just went! He promoted himself and he strives to get himself out there, you can tell he is so proud of himself even though he doesn't wanna say it out loud "I am really good" I have always respected Leo but after today it just hit a new level. It made it more real, so happy and privileged to have someone like him in my life <3

I have had these really weird feelings lately that make me moody and no one really wants to be around me. I googled the crap out of it last night, I am about 90% positive I am suffering from anxiety. I feel as though this is common for people my age and in my position. I read that anxiety is caused from feelings of uncertainty - that is EXACTLLY what it is for me. I am a cronic worry wart, always have been. I have notice the past couple of weeks this constant feeling of stress and worry but no ambition at all to do anything about it. I wish there was some way to fix this but I don't know how. I pray to God that I am not having a chemical imbalance depression like my mom, the last thing I want to do is be stuck on medication for the rest of my life - I think the anxiety I am feeling will go away once I get stuff for Oakland all figured out (ie classes, where im staying, ect) On a side note, I need a boyfriend. Like legit. You know I usually shy away from saying that cause I usually dont want a boyfriend, but I havent dated a guy in almost a year, I havent "talked" to a guy in maybe 3 months, it's just really odd for me. I usually do not have a problem with this, obviously Bay City is drying up. NOTE TO SELF NEVER TAKE ONLINE CLASSES EVER THE FUCK AGAIN. I really hate my online classes - I wish I didn't because I love my class schedule. You know, I would just love to be a bum in general, no obligations just living. You know, I wouldn't mind being someones personal maid or assistant, in fact I would probably love it. How you get into that kind of business I have no idea. Hmm I just am so lost as in to what I want to do with my life. I am passionate about few things, poms, music, friends, adventures and nature. How that I can lead to a career i have no idea. My eyes hurt, I really like talking. You know maybe journalism is something I want to do. It has always been in the back of my mind but I don't know. My eyes hurt and the wind is being scarry :x the whole house is cracking time to go take cover!

Disrespected.

I usually don't let things like this get to me but today they did. I had owed my 'friend' 40 dollars and hadn't paid her back. Some how I lost track of the money and never paid her back. This really wasn't that big of a deal, she canceled on me, had already bought the ticket, she is quite wealth, ect. So months later I get a text from the 'friend' and she asks for the money. Lately I have been short on cash flow so I jsut didnt text her back. Come to find out she logged into my facebook and read the IM conversation I was having about the situtation. She then logs onto her facebook to bitch me out about it. The topic of this ramble is Disrepect.

That is my private thing, you do not need to be logging on to it. I would never even think about doing something like that to you, or anyone. You must be fuckin demonic to even think about doing that, it's so messed up. Sorry I called you greedy, sorry you offered to buy me lunch all those times when I said I would pay. I'm sorry you don't see the world in the same light I do. I am completly positive 24/7 and today having a very sore spot is not making my day good at all. I go by this theory, that nothing is bad you can always make it good. For some reason this really gets to me. I feel that this individual needs a HUGE reality check. She lives day to day worrying about her image, what people think of her. She does insanity 3 times a day and thinks by not eating she will lose weight. Sorry hunny, we graduated High School that shit doesn't fly outside of it. No one cares what you look like or act like it's not your life to take in any diretion. Make a new group of friends. For a whole year you stole my best friend and the true reason why I hung out with you was so I could actually see my best friend. Sorry. I really couldn't stand you, the way you life. I have never meet someone so selfish and self consumming. One day you will meet someone so bull headed they are gunna rock your shit, and you are going to realize how selfish you are. I am going to keep on typing this out because I am so pissed. If you really knew me, you'd know I don't get mad EVER. Very few things have ever gotten me all fired up, jsut like this. I seriously have a problem with you and I would love to tell you everything that I find wrong in you but I RESPECT you. I will NEVER log onto your facebook to see the shit you have said about me because lord I know you have. I also have this huge hunch you are reconecting with an old rat of ours. FIRST OFF HE IS A DOUCHE, a trader, shaddy as hell. For some reason you think it is okay to go back and be his friend again. Newsflash, if you were her bestfrien you would realize that being his friend is a horrible idea. We know you have feelings for him that is more than friendly. He manipulates people have fun with that. One day when you have no friends.. oh wait. you already do becaus you have alienated yourself from the world. I am done for now. But for what you did todya I WILL NEVER FORGET. damnit.

Bullshit

Bullshit; the word the perfectly describes today. I am tired of being a backup plan or a side project if I am your FRIEND it's okay to hangout with me and stuff, I mean that's what friends are for. Well lately, my friends have SUCKED and I can not stand it. I am moving in December and I am so thrilled. I can think of maybe 4 people I will miss from here, and I am totally okay with that. I am ready for life to begin.

Random Stuff

One day while doing my homework I caame up with these, they are in the developing stages still but I thought I would type them out now.

Lately, I've been thinkin' maybe
Your'e the one who tells me how to respond
to everything I'm asked and everything I', not asked
You are the one who is controlling moi.
I just stand back to watch the show
progress in an orderly fashion.
I'll pop some popcorn and grab an Arnold
and watch you put on a show.

You think your'e fat, you think your'e fab
you think you're the hottest shit on the block
Sorry to tell you this but
New Kids already claimed that title

... so that is that :P It's kind of cocky and childish but I like it okay here is the other one

Bittersweet is the word I want to use
don't be thinkin' to obtuse
when it comes to us
I know the miles are far
and the conversation is short, baby
I wanna see you move closer to me
I wanna see you move closer to me

I'll prbly work on that one later, if I was musically inclined I would totally add some guitar to that . hmm whatever I am just gunna add on to it maybe tonight.


p.s. today is the day no one will ever forget 9/11/01. All day I have been watching stories about the accounts from this tragic day. Some days we forget about this day in history that changed our lives forever. My favorite quote that I heard today was from Conda Liza Rice and she said "After September 11th everyday was September 12th".

Requirements

I saw this on someone else's blog and I thought it would be amusing and keep me from not doing my school work. So here it is, if I were to create the man of my dreams here is how he would be:

-He makes cute faces. (i.e. like scrunches it up when he is embarrassed or does a total face palm when he says something stupid)

-Doesn't text me 24/7 because that just gets repetitive and annoying.

-Has a goal in mind, in regards to his future.

-Has his own personality and doesn't try to mimic mine.

-He can make decisions for the two of us because God knows I can't.

-Doesn't want to kiss me every minute of everyday, or whenever in we are in public he has to be constantly holding my hand or have his arm around me. Sorry kids, I am not a big lover of excessive PDA.

-No we do not need to hangout every day, every other day is fine though.

-A phone is not used for JUST texting, you can call me to it's okay!

-Doesn't buy me gifts. (Is it weird I hate getting presents from people)

-Is as completely untraditional as I am, or will at least go along with it.

-Ummm, he should probably be an optimist because I find pessimistic are really a downer.

-Has his own hobbies and just things in general to do on his own so I am not his main time consumer.

-He has his own friends and own life separate from mine.

-Has a wonderful family that is just super goofy.

-Is a goof, who enjoys making inside jokes with me and laughing at anything and everything.

I could make this list go on forever and it already has occupied a good amount of my time so maybe I will add on later. :)

"even though you're miles away, you never cease to make me smile"

Your smile could light up the world when everything has turned to darkness.

You make me want to forget everything bad in the world.

You make we want to never stop smiling or at least until my face hurts to much.

I want to hold you but the miles between us are making that hard.

The miles between us though will never stop us from being what we are.

Everyday is Valentines Day in our world, making every day the best day ever.

You make me happy whether you like it or not
It has been not even a week since i first laid eyes on you and yet i feel like i am falling completely in love. sometime i feel completely stupid about how strong my feelings are for you but they are true. the nicest person to walk this earth is you and i am truly blessed to have ever met you. hopefully this continues on, you are to important to lose and to hard to forger <3

T-shirt

Once we break free from that comfy t-shirt we have the ability and freedom to try on any t-shirt we want. It may be an awkward fitting one, or one that is too lose and you just are not so sure about. Then you may just find that perfect fit and you may not change out of it until you find that it is time to change.


Never let anyone hold you back from what you think is right, what your gut feeling tells you to do. I have learned from experience that your gut feeling is just your heart trying to get your attention. Listen to it, it may know you better than you know yourself.

Well I have been thinking a lot about "us" where we have been, how we used to be, how I used to feel about everything that involved you. In time all of these things have changed everything between us. At one point I even hated you for so many reasons, I didn't even know were true or not. So I find myself today, almost two years from when all of this started, thinking "how can I let him go?". He changed so much of me, made me the individual I am today. For that, I feel as though I owe him. Don't get me wrong, he still means the world to me, but after all the shit he has put me threw I can never see "us" being what we were. We were truly the couple everyone thought would last forever. He made one little mistake, by breaking us apart over a year ago. Since that day, everything had changed. "Us", them, everyone. I looked at everything different, everything as a golden opportunity, knowing it was prbly to good to be true. From that day on, NOTHING between us would ever be the same. He thought I was immature, I thought he was immature. Truth was we were BOTH pretty adolescent. Not saying being almost 18 I am all matured, because that would be a lie. So here I am again, in a situation that is oh so familiar. I sit here typing away because I am so UNDECIDED. It seems that at once 4 AMAZING guys are thrown at me, but he stands out in a crowd. I don't know what it is about him that keeps me coming back. THOUGH there is that voice in my head saying "you know he is no good, no one will be at all happy two are dating, he is gunna treat you like shit, you are gunna be let down" So it is more of a fight with myself. Do i let him walk all over me, or do I stand up for myself and tell him straight up that THIS is never going to happen EVER again. That as long as we stay in touch and being 'friends' I will never be more than a friend. Then my heart thumps really loud and the other side of it telling me "he was the best thing that had ever walked into your life, dont let him get away" I guess with time i will see what happens, but for now I am stuck in a moment of confusion and frustration.

chance

The frustration you have brought upon me
is tearing down all the walls around me
This feeling has always been there
but for who, I don't care
All i want to do is love
or even to be cared about
though you always seems to come right back
and think you can have another chance
your chances are done
third time is not a charm
I have contemplated every move
every opportunity
every emotion
that seem to swell when you make your move
i keep my cool and avoid the confrontation
but all you wanna do is say you've changed
and there is no way
no how
no chance
Have you changed in 8 months?
I do not believe that is possible
you have more than one personality
hopefully you have been correcting them
unfortuantley i am completely convinced you are unaware
of your own faults that i see
so take a chance, listen to me
that would be a first and something so amazing to me
to see you realize all your faults
all the things that are weighing you down
take a chance for someone and breathe it all in
because one day you are going to realize
you have been handed enough chances.




i have been to frustrated.. it was time to just let my fingers dance across my keyboard and come up with something sloppy.

It is amazing to see someones true being.
For some people we make up this amazing or even twisted image before meeting them, making our first impression either shocking or surprisingly correct. We try to make them seem like the 'good guy' when they are actually the villain or to make them out to be some rapist when actually they are the sweetest person you've met. My point being and lesson learned today is that, when you prejudge someone you are more than likely about to get proven wrong. For no one really knows anything about each other till you start a friendship and watch it grow.