Well it was an epic weekend of sorts. The first D.R.U.G.S. show was today and I will never forget it, so insane! But thats not what I want to talk about. Sometimes I feel like poeple alienate me from their lives for one reason or another. That they just stip being my friend for no apparent reason or they drop me off them pick me back a few weeks later. I cant say I have a problem wiht it because I do the same thing but it really takes a toll on a person. Especailly when they mean a lot to you and you dont see what you did wrong. I know its prbly just because he is busy but craig will not respond to me and we didnt even get to see each other today but regardlesss is till love him and he means a lot to me. Pat on the other hand just WONT talk to me but always wants to hangout then it seems we dont. I dont know I just have a hard time with some friendships and I hope when I move a lot of this gets fixed. I really want it to, I just want the feeling of numbness and alienation to be GONE forever please?

I am seriously letting myself down right now. Never have I fele t in such a deep hole. I feel like I am failing myself and putting on a show for my parents just liek I did in high school. I know it's not the end of the world and that this is nothing at all but emotionally it is taking a serious toll. I have stupid habbits that Ia am dieing to break. I can't keep disappointing myself like this, it isn't healthy. I need to get my act together. Missing those two quizes was me punching myself in the face, double hurt. My body and mind arn't matching up. my heart and soul and not seeing eye to eye and i need to get them on the same level. I foteel like I am still in high school, that I am just coasting and struggling to get tha C or B and if I get a D it's the teachers fault not mine. I can't take it anymore, the feeling of letting myself down. I honeslty thought those quizes were next sunday. I hope oakland is a new startand that it changes me. I really do. I need GOd back in my life, I need his help. I am tired of doing this on my own, I have lost touch with him. I want him back so badly it was better when I had a strong relationship with him. I had confidence. Now I feel like bones and skin lkeI don't have a soul or a mind that I am getting caught up in the trends. I wanna stand on my own. I wanna be me again. I am in a stuggle only I can feel. I need help. I want help. I am scarred to talk about this to anyone but this stupid blog. I can't think about htis anymore. When did I start staying up till 3 am and waking up at 10 or 11? this isnt me. I sleep because it shuts everything off. I hope when I wake up that everything that had bothered me the day before is gone. BLECK night.

Leoo

You know after today I really respect leo, he didn't do anything life saving or fabulous we just went to the mall. It was the way that his music is him, he packed up his backpack and just went! He promoted himself and he strives to get himself out there, you can tell he is so proud of himself even though he doesn't wanna say it out loud "I am really good" I have always respected Leo but after today it just hit a new level. It made it more real, so happy and privileged to have someone like him in my life <3